Easiest Recipe Ever

I am a marriage Master, let me tell you.

Me: "Wouldn't bbq pork chops be great for lunch babe?"

Him: "Hmmm,  that actually sounds perfect."

BOOM. Dinner for the kids is made and I didn't have to lift a finger.

I'D NEVER SURVIVE IN PRISON AND CHAINSAWS MADE OF GLITTER WOULD BE AWESOME AND MESSY

I left a spade out on the lawn the other night and didn't remember until I had been in bed for a bit. I dismissed it and tried to sleep until my head was filled with images of someone stealing the spade and murdering someone with it. The police would trace the spade back to me from the time I was using it while wearing flip flops and almost chopped my toe off and they'd come to investigate and my neighbour would be investigated because the spade actually belongs to him and it would just be a big awful mess and I could never handle prison, although I bet I could DIY some awesome shit from just a bedsheet and a carton of cigarettes, so of course I got out of bed and brought the damn spade inside.

In other news, neighbour Stan has decided to build this on his half of our shared lawn. I tried to tell him you can't build a tree from wood. . . 

You can get wood from a tree but a tree cannot be made from wood.

. . . but he's a redneck and he listens to nothing. He tell me that next, he's building a WALL around this mess. Maybe that'll be an improvement. But I've been taking care of his lawn for 2 damn years while they've been busy being hermits and HE COVERED UP MY ROSES with his homemade mulch so I can't help being a little trolly.

To lighten the mood, here's a picture my child made of a chainsaw with glitter glue. Everything can be pretty AND useful.